Cessi Talks About Grief

Oh hi there!

It's been like, what? Almost 4 months already? Since my last post.

A lot of things happened in the span of those 4 months, and they were.. Significant. Life-changing.

As you read in my previous post, I lost my phone. The good news is, I already bought a new one, with the same brand and model. Why, you ask? Because probably I couldn't let it go, and honestly the phone is a good price for value.

Now, on to the "significant" and "life-changing" things.

If you've been following and reading my blog for a while now, you might notice that sometimes I mentioned my boyfriend.. But now, he is an ex-boyfriend. For good.

You see, terminating (yes, I was the one who initiated the break up first) a 5-years-old relationship is no walk in the park. We went through a lot, we had our ups and downs, we spent most of our college years together. So losing him feels like losing something that is already a part of myself, leaving a void. Thankfully we separated on a good term and the decision was mutual. I don't regret it, though. I just thought that maybe things could end differently, maybe it didn't have to drag on for this long, because it would spare us the emotional agony and the wasted time.

But wait, there's more! And it's another good news: I've already got myself a new boyfriend. Yes, you heard it right. This is one thing I'm really grateful for because not only I managed not to stay single for too long which probably will prolong my mourning period, my current boyfriend is also a wonderful and lovely man. I cried and had my own weak moments after my ex and I broke up, but you know, getting over a broken heart by finding a new love turned out quite effective. I just hope this one gonna go somewhere, because honestly I'm tired testing my luck.

About a month after my breakup, my dad was admitted to the hospital. He was diagnosed with kidney failure, and had to undergo dialysis regularly. He actually had been having problems with his kidneys for a while, but only recently agreed to be treated by dialysis. So I went to Jogja (he was hospitalized there as my mom is working there) and honestly I thought everything was normal. He will get better, get out of hospital, we go about our usual life, nothing else. But I was wrong.

My dad suddenly had some serious hemorrhage. Not once, but few times, and needless to say he was transferred to the ICU. I was in Jakarta when I heard the news; my heart sank, and I couldn't think clearly. I thought about the worst case scenario. But then I went to visit him, and I was relieved because he didn't look that bad. He was conscious, even able to talk and joke, though not with as much vigor. That didn't last long. He had another relapse, moved back and forth between the ICU and Inpatient Unit, until eventually transferred to a better hospital still located in Jogja.

At this point, you know what I'm trying to tell.

They tried to locate the source of the hemorrhage and performed surgery to fix it, but it was all too late. It was Wednesday, one day after the surgery, when I was told that he was in critical condition. Just as I prepared myself to fly on the same day to Jogja, another news came. Guess what news it was?

Shocked. Heartbroken. Dejected.

It hit me, hard. I know he was already in a bad shape, but there are tons of times people with similar condition bounce back. There are tons of other possible outcomes, this I didn't really think of. I didn't expect him to go this early. No. Lost phone, you could easily replace it with a new one. And when you broke up, you could find a new love too. But losing a father? The Dad who loved me and spoiled me so much? The Dad who joked around a lot and was always so passionate about food? My Dad?

Even until now, I feel everything is so surreal. Like, one day I had my life together, the next day it's a piling hot mess. Last year I still had my phone, my old boyfriend, and most importantly my dad, but now they're all gone from my life.

I know there's gotta be some silver linings and lessons behind all these tragedies. Indeed, I had a new phone, new boyfriend, and—even if it's not remotely compensating for what happened to my dad—I managed to win a Gold, Silver, and Bronze in two advertising festivals for a digital campaign I worked on. But still, overall 2017 has been very overwhelming to me, and not in a good way. Thinking back, not all of them were merely fate. They were probably results of my own doing, directly or not.

2017 was mostly shit (hellooo USA citizens, it was started with Trump becoming president, as if it's not bad omen enough), and I can't wait to get to 2018 so I can start over. Left all the lingering feelings, sadness, bad memories, anything negative behind.

So cheers, to a brighter and happier future.