Cessi Talks About Grief

Oh hi there!

It's been like, what? Almost 4 months already? Since my last post.

A lot of things happened in the span of those 4 months, and they were.. Significant. Life-changing.

As you read in my previous post, I lost my phone. The good news is, I already bought a new one, with the same brand and model. Why, you ask? Because probably I couldn't let it go, and honestly the phone is a good price for value.

Now, on to the "significant" and "life-changing" things.

If you've been following and reading my blog for a while now, you might notice that sometimes I mentioned my boyfriend.. But now, he is an ex-boyfriend. For good.

You see, terminating (yes, I was the one who initiated the break up first) a 5-years-old relationship is no walk in the park. We went through a lot, we had our ups and downs, we spent most of our college years together. So losing him feels like losing something that is already a part of myself, leaving a void. Thankfully we separated on a good term and the decision was mutual. I don't regret it, though. I just thought that maybe things could end differently, maybe it didn't have to drag on for this long, because it would spare us the emotional agony and the wasted time.

But wait, there's more! And it's another good news: I've already got myself a new boyfriend. Yes, you heard it right. This is one thing I'm really grateful for because not only I managed not to stay single for too long which probably will prolong my mourning period, my current boyfriend is also a wonderful and lovely man. I cried and had my own weak moments after my ex and I broke up, but you know, getting over a broken heart by finding a new love turned out quite effective. I just hope this one gonna go somewhere, because honestly I'm tired testing my luck.

About a month after my breakup, my dad was admitted to the hospital. He was diagnosed with kidney failure, and had to undergo dialysis regularly. He actually had been having problems with his kidneys for a while, but only recently agreed to be treated by dialysis. So I went to Jogja (he was hospitalized there as my mom is working there) and honestly I thought everything was normal. He will get better, get out of hospital, we go about our usual life, nothing else. But I was wrong.

My dad suddenly had some serious hemorrhage. Not once, but few times, and needless to say he was transferred to the ICU. I was in Jakarta when I heard the news; my heart sank, and I couldn't think clearly. I thought about the worst case scenario. But then I went to visit him, and I was relieved because he didn't look that bad. He was conscious, even able to talk and joke, though not with as much vigor. That didn't last long. He had another relapse, moved back and forth between the ICU and Inpatient Unit, until eventually transferred to a better hospital still located in Jogja.

At this point, you know what I'm trying to tell.

They tried to locate the source of the hemorrhage and performed surgery to fix it, but it was all too late. It was Wednesday, one day after the surgery, when I was told that he was in critical condition. Just as I prepared myself to fly on the same day to Jogja, another news came. Guess what news it was?

Shocked. Heartbroken. Dejected.

It hit me, hard. I know he was already in a bad shape, but there are tons of times people with similar condition bounce back. There are tons of other possible outcomes, this I didn't really think of. I didn't expect him to go this early. No. Lost phone, you could easily replace it with a new one. And when you broke up, you could find a new love too. But losing a father? The Dad who loved me and spoiled me so much? The Dad who joked around a lot and was always so passionate about food? My Dad?

Even until now, I feel everything is so surreal. Like, one day I had my life together, the next day it's a piling hot mess. Last year I still had my phone, my old boyfriend, and most importantly my dad, but now they're all gone from my life.

I know there's gotta be some silver linings and lessons behind all these tragedies. Indeed, I had a new phone, new boyfriend, and—even if it's not remotely compensating for what happened to my dad—I managed to win a Gold, Silver, and Bronze in two advertising festivals for a digital campaign I worked on. But still, overall 2017 has been very overwhelming to me, and not in a good way. Thinking back, not all of them were merely fate. They were probably results of my own doing, directly or not.

2017 was mostly shit (hellooo USA citizens, it was started with Trump becoming president, as if it's not bad omen enough), and I can't wait to get to 2018 so I can start over. Left all the lingering feelings, sadness, bad memories, anything negative behind.

So cheers, to a brighter and happier future.

Momen ter-WTF 2017

Bukan, postingan ini bukan postingan tentang We The Fest yang digelar belom lama itu.

Tapi hari Minggu ini WTF banget.

Dan kalo bisa jadi satu-satunya hari yang bisa gue ulang, akan gue ulang.

Jadi ceritanya hari ini gue ke Kokas sama Verol. Dari siang menuju sore gitu. Sampe Kokas langsung makan di Nama Sushi, ke ATM, abis itu muter-muter dikit karena doi nyari power bank. Abis beli di ACE Hardware, kita jalan-jalan ke areal yang banyak toko bajunya, lantai UG dan G. Fyi, waktu gue ke sini tuh Kokas emang lagi rame banget. Sebenernya gue menghindari Kokas pas weekend karena alasan itu, tapi berhubung Verol lagi ada perlu juga dan kayaknya makan sushi di sana enak, ya udah sekalian aja. Once in a while wouldn't hurt, right? Lagian hari Minggu, harusnya keramaiannya nggak separah Sabtu toh?

Bzzzt, salah.

Ternyata tadi lagi ada Japan Travel Fair, di mana orang berlomba-lomba nyari tiket ke Jepang atau akomodasi yang murah, jadi rame banget. Huft.

Trus WTF-nya di mana? Nah..

Kronologisnya gini. Abis dari lantai UG, gue dan Verol turun ke lantai G. Awalnya nggak ada masalah, gue liat-liat di H&M, nyoba beberapa sepokat, beli choker, udah, keluar. Gue di situ sempet foto-foto sepatunya juga. Dari situ kalo nggak salah kita mampir ke salah satu booth Japan Travel Fair karena Verol mau say hi sama sepupunya yang lagi jaga di sana. Lokasinya masih di G, di depan Pull & Bear, kebetulan banget tuh gue emang mau ke P&B abis ini. Yaudah si Verol ngobrol-ngobrol bentar, gue tungguin di belakangnya. Pas booth-nya makin rame, baru kita pamit melipir ke P&B. Di sini pun masih aman, gue liat-liat barang, beebrapa kali ngeluarin hp buat nyoba app Shazam sama foto-foto barang. Abis foto-foto, hpnya gue masukin di kantong outer sebelah kanan.. Yang mana kantongnya tuh bukan kayak kantong rok atau celana yang agak masuk gitu, tapi tegak lurus kayak kantong kemeja, cuma lebih gede aja. Sebagai ilustrasi, nih foto outernya yang gue ambil dari IG tempat gue beli dulu:

Posisi kantongnya di situ. Hp gue emang masuk nggak sampe nongol gitu, cuma tetep keliatan lah. Eniwei, dari P&B gue ke Bershka dulu, cuma beda beberapa toko dari situ. Waktu menunjukkan sekitar jam 5 kurang 15 menit, kalo nggak salah. Di Bershka gue super bentar sih karena cuma megang kaos -> jalan ke arah aksesoris -> liat-liat bentar -> langsung cabut lagi ke luar. Nggak sampe 5 menit lah gue di dalem.

NAAAH.

Bagian krusialnya di sini. Dari Bershka, gue jalan ke Stradivarius, which is ada di sebelahnya persis. Tapi di depan Stradivarius lagi ada entah pop up dari toko mana yang kayaknya lagi sale gila-gilaan, soalnya tempatnya RAME BANGET dikerumunin orang gitu. Ada juga beberapa orang yang nyender di kaca display Stradivarius buat nungguin teman, pasangan, or keluarga mereka yang lagi liat-liat di pop up. Jadi posisinya tuh gue jalan, sebelah kiri toko, sebelah kanan si pop up rame itu. Yaudah gue pun masuk ke Stradivarius. Masih di areal display depan, gue liat ada coat panjang lucu. Gue cobain deh itu, tapi didobel sama outer gue karena ribet kalo harus nyopot pasang lagi. Gue minta Verol pegangin dulu kantong plastik kecil H&M gue yang isinya choker. Udah make coat-nya, gue sempet ngaca bentar di kaca yang letaknya di kiri display coat tadi, nggak jauh kok. Merasa nggak cocok, gue copot dong coat-nya. Gue pun minta Verol balikin kantong plastik kecilnya.

Di sini, sepersekian detik kemudian, gue merasa ada yang aneh. Tadi kantong outer gue berat.. Kok sekarang kantongnya enteng banget??

Refleks gue nanya, "Hp gue mana?" karena gue kira gue nitip juga ke Verol, berhubung agak riweuh pas mau nyoba coat tadi. Gue raba nggak ada soalnya. Verol bilang "Nggak, nggak di gue". Di situ gue mulai deg-degan. Gue cek kantong celana, nggak ada. Cek tas, karena kalo nggak di kantong ya gue taro tas, hhh.. Nggak ada. Cek kantong plastik, nggak ada. Cek kantong coat yang tadi gue coba siapa tau gue entah gimana ceritanya masukin hpnya ke kantong itu, nggak ada. Cek outer gue lagi siapa tau tadi gue sekip, tetep nggak ada. Minta Verol ngecek kantong dan tasnya siapa tau dia nggak inget gue titipin trus ternyata nyelip, nggak ada juga. HP GUE KE MANA?

Verol langsung inisiatif telpon. Sialnya gue lupa apakah hp gue di-silent apa nggak, dan kalo dari kebiasaan sih iya. Panggilan pertama masih nyambung, tapi panggilan kedua dan seterusnya udah dialihkan, ceunah. Gue panik, insting pertama langsung jalan balik ke toko-toko sebelumnya just in case gue tanpa sadar ninggalin hp gue di atas tumpukan baju atau apalah. Kan bahaya banget yak. Tapi nihil! Dan gue inget banget di P&B masih ada karena gue sempet moto kaos kaki sebelum kita keluar. Jadi kemungkinan antara Bershka atau Stradivarius. Bershka pun nihil, wajar soalnya gue emang cuma bentar banget di sana. Di Stradivarius pun sama ajaaa. Gue kan baru masuk dan nyoba coat-nya dan posisi si coat ini nggak jauh dari pintu masuk kok, gue nggak sempet liat-liat kemana-mana lagi. Jadi ke manakah hp gue???

Setelah coba telpon, chat, sms, DM, yang tentunya tidak membantu, Verol coba ngecek lokasi lewat Google Account gue yang di sign in di hp dia. Untung akun Google gue udah gue sign in di hp dan selalu ngebaca lokasi gue karena internet nyala. Tapi lokasi terakhirnya yang ke-detect yaa di daerah kita berada saat itu, jamnya juga pas sekitar hpnya ilang. Jadi emang cuma ke-detect sebelum hpnya dimatiin. Di sini gue udah kesel banget anjir, fix ini mah dicopet. Akhirnya kita coba cari lewat CCTV toko. Ini proses sumpah ya paling memakan waktu. Pertama kita coba di Stradivarius, jelasin permasalahannya dulu ke sekuriti tokonya, perkiraan waktu ilangnya kapan, di mana, gitu-gitu deh. Akhirnya dicekin, itupun yang ngecek orang tokonya doang, gue dan Verol nggak boleh masuk dan ngeliat. Itu juga udah ribet karena satu toko CCTV-nya banyak, nggak tau kan mana yang ngerekam kita? Gue dan Verol pun nunggu lamaaaa banget, setengah jam lebih ada kali. Akhirnya mbak-mbaknya keluar, dia bilang nggak ngeliat ada yang aneh, ada orang ngedeketin atau apa. Dan katanya kita cuma bentar dan kerekam dikit di situ. Dari situ gue masih ragu sih, cuma yaudah kita coba bikin laporan ke sekuriti Kokasnya dulu aja. Ternyata sekuriti Kokas helpful banget, gue cukup disuruh ngisi form laporan, nunjukkin KTP (yang kemudian di-scan-fotokopi), dan tanda tangan. Mas-masnya mau dengerin permasalahannya dan nemenin kita ke toko-toko tadi. Akhirnya dari rujukan si mas sekuriti Kokas kita ke Bershka dulu, minta rekaman CCTV-nya. Lagi-lagi kita nggak boleh liat langsung dan nunggu lumayan lama. Tapi kali ini rekaman CCTV-nya direkamin lewat hp salah satu pegawai sana biar kita bisa liat, dan jengjeng..

Di situ keliatan jelas hp gue yang warnanya putih masih duduk manis di kantong. Dari gue masuk toko sampai gue keluar masih ada!

Berarti nggak di Bershka dong? Feeling gue juga bilang nggak karena kantong gue tuh masih berasa berat at least sampe masuk Stradivarius. Btw, dari situ juga gue tau kalo sebenernya kita berhak liat rekaman CCTV toko kalo emang merasa kejadiannya di situ, walau pada kondisi biasa kita emang nggak boleh liat. Jadi mas-mas sekuriti Kokas-nya heran pas tau kita tadi nggak liat rekaman CCTV Stradivarius, cuma denger kata pegawainya aja. Akhirnya kita balik lagi ke Stradivarius, minta liatin rekamannya. Di sini sempet bingung dulu nentuin kamera mana yang ngerekam. Trus nunggu. Pas dateng eh rekamannya salah karena ternyata itu rekaman setelah kita balik ke Stradivarius untuk kedua kalinya karena lagi nyari hp, jadi di situ hpnya udah ilang. Mas-masnya masuk lagi, ngecek lagi rekaman beberapa menit sebelumnya. Di sini nunggu lama lagi astagfirullah, itu kalo direkam muka gue udah ditekuk kayak apaan tau deh, asem banget. Begitu dateng.. Rekamannya kurang memuaskan karena ternyata diambil dari kiri, yang mana hp gue di kantong sebelah kanan jadi nggak keliatan dong T____T dan sialnya lagi itu kamera nggak nge-cover tempat gue nyoba coat-nya. Jadi lagi-lagi nggak tau pas itu ada orang yang mencurigakan apa nggak, hp gue masih ada apa nggak. Minta diliat dari kamera lain tapi pegawainya bilang kameranya nggak ada yang nyampe, alias BLIND SPOT.

Gue mencoba mengingat-ngingat. Baik Bershka maupun Stradivarius waktu itu kondisinya lumayan lowong kok, jadi gue nggak nabrak atau nyenggol siapa pun. Waktu gue nyoba coat pun, si Verol ngeliatin terus jadi harusnya nggak kecolongan pas di situ. Lain cerita kalo di luarnya. Seperti yang gue bilang, di luar tuh lagi rame banget, kanan kiri ada orang. Kanan lebih tepatnya. Dan kebetulan kanan adalah posisi kantong gue yang ada hpnya. HA. Gue nggak inget kalo ada orang yang jalannya mepet gue, tapi yang jelas nggak satupun ada yang sampe nyenggol gue.

Mau tau lagi apesnya? Di bagian jalan yang rame itu NGGAK ADA CCTV.

CCTV-nya lumayan jauh, sebelum Bershka gitu lah kalo dari arah P&B. Jadi nggak ke-cover kalo kata sekuriti Kokasnya. Yang berarti lagi-lagi lokasi pentingnya.. BLIND SPOT.

YA ALLAH YA RABB, COBAAN APA LAGI INI. Why there, of all places? Why today, of all days? Why my phone, of all phones and belongings? WHY ME, OF ALL PEOPLE???

Sungguh sebuah momen yang WTF.

Selama ini, gue kalo ganti hp selalu karena alasan rusak. Nggak pernah ilang atau dicopet. Terakhir kayak gitu belasan tahun lalu, pas gue SD mungkin. Dompet juga gitu, gue orangnya termasuk yang hampir nggak pernah kecopetan, kalopun ilang pasti karena gue lupa naro atau ketinggalan. Jadi pas kejadian kayak tadi, gue kesel banget nget n g e t. Nggak nyangka banget gue bakal kena di mall! Gue kalo di transportasi umum selalu megang erat hp gue. Kalo di tempat rame kayak pameran atau convention paling banter taro di tas, itu pun gue lumayan khawatir karena lebih nggak kepegang, bakal gue raba beberapa menit sekali. Nah tadi tuh karena gue cukup banyak mengeluarkan hp, jadi hp-nya nggak gue taro dalem tas biar gampang kalo sewaktu-waktu mau dipake. Bad move. Kantong outer gue yang ini rada obvious dan rupanya gampang dijamah tanpa sadar, padahal posisinya deket tangan, nggak terlalu bawah atau belakang.

Trus gimana, Ces?

Asli gue bingung. Di rumah lagi nggak ada hp cadangan. Sarana komunikasi gue cuma Facebook dan Twitter di laptop. LINE for PC ternyata butuh verifikasi via hp kalo lama nggak dipake, WhatsApp Web malah harus deket hpnya. Instagram desktop juga nggak bisa DM. Yawes. Sebagai counter measure yang bisa gue lakukan cuma ganti password buat akun-akun yang udah sign in di hp gue. Sama Verol juga udah di-set buat nge-lock ketika nyala via Google account, tapi entah berhasil atau nggak. Sampai detik ini gue masih ngecekin lokasi hp gue, just in case udah dinyalain dan nge-detect lokasinya. Tapi nihil, euy. Gue sedih. Kesel. Nangis. Bete. Nyesel. Semua campur aduk jadi satu. Itu hp umurnya belom ada setaun, cicilan pun belom lunas. Kenapa yaaa ada aja orang tega gitu buat ngambil? Di mall loh, yang isinya tuh rata-rata orang kelas menengah. Ya nggak tau sih entah si pencopet kebetulan dari kelas menengah juga atau dress like a middle class person.

Kehilangan hp is not the end of the world, katanya. Tapi buat gue yang baju kesayangannya nggak tau ketelisut di mana aja udah stress banget, ini tuh kiamat sugra. Hp gue, men. Sebagian besar aktivitas sehari-hari gue dilakukan dengan itu; kerja, komunikasi, main game, foto, browsing, mesen transport. Masih untung ada Verol, jadi pulangnya gue masih bisa naik Grab. Ya Allah, ngikhlasin hp gue susah banget rasanya. Tapi semoga si pencopet dapet balasan berkali-kali lipat (di dunia dulu deh) dan gue pun dapat pengganti yang lebih baik. Biarlah hari ini dijadiin pelajaran aja.

So, kalo lo liat hp Zenfone 3 warna putih yang udah agak bocel di bagian sudut atas kiri dan kanan bezel-nya, dijual tanpa box dan charger entah di counter hp bodong Stasiun Senen atau di mana, tolong JANGAN dibeli. Lapor aja. Pemiliknya nyariin :'(

Recommendation On Josei Manga

As people get older, they tend to have a shift of taste. I am no exception. In my younger days, I love Shoujo manga. Well, I still am, but these days I found myself more and more addicted to its older sister: Josei manga.

To begin with, Josei is a manga genre that aims at female adult (or late teens). It is the female counterpart of Seinen, just like the respective words literally means; Josei means Woman, and Seinen means Young Man. Unlike the bubbly Shoujo with its school setting and cliché story, Josei have a more mature story and sometimes more sexual (it is targeted for adults, after all). But just like Shoujo, it mostly revolves around romance, drama, and slice of life.

What makes me fell in love is Josei's more realistic outlook on life, from a perspective of a young woman which of course, quite aligns with the current me. So yeah, I want to share my favorite Josei manga so far. They might not be the best, but I assure you, they are good to read.

Koiiji by Shimura Takako

"The story follows a girl named Mame, whose family runs a public bath. She has held on to feelings of unrequited love for her childhood friend for ten years."
You may have heard of Shimura Takako from its progressive manga about gender identity and puberty, Hourou Musuko. But for you who aims more at a conventional love story, try Koiiji. Koiiji is a tale of heartbreak, longing, and unrequited love, wrapped nicely in a humble family setting. The art style is cute and the story is relatively tame (as in not too heart-wrenching or complex), so it can be your first leap from Shoujo manga.

Kyou wa Kaisha Yasumimasu by Fujimura Mari

"Aoishi Hanae is a 33-year-old woman who has a job, but no boyfriend. In fact, she's also still a virgin. It's not that she never had a chance to lose her virginity, but she let the chance pass by. At a drinking party with her colleagues, Hanae ends up confiding in Tanokura Yuto, a handsome young 21-year-old part timer at her company who also attends college, and who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. The next morning, she wakes up in a hotel next to him, and learns that they apparently agreed to start dating and then had sex that night. She has only hazy memories, and has no idea how to deal with the situation. Yuto is shocked that she doesn't remember, but hopes that they can still date. How will Hanae, who is older but much less experienced in romance, handle her surprising new relationship with the younger and more experienced Yuto?"
..Well, the description really sums it up. It might come off a bit cliche and the most shoujo-like of all the other titles in this list, but if you're into older female-younger male dynamic and office romance, then this manga is for you.

Sakamichi no Apollon by Kodama Yuki

"Nishimi Kaoru has moved from city to city and school to school because of his father’s job. So the first day at his new school was just routine for him. Being intellectual and the new transfer student, he has always been seen as an outcast and all Kaoru had to do was bare it until the next time he moved. But things were slightly different this time. First, he started to get close to the class president, Mukae Ritsuko, and, secondly, unlikely as it seemed, grew closer to Kawabuchi Sentaro. Sentaro was infamous for getting into fights, skipping class and was an overall bad boy. Strangely enough, the three of them find common ground in music, namely jazz, and Kaoru finds himself actually enjoying the new town."
This series is probably different from the rest of the list, and the reason being 1) It was told from a male's point of view, 2) It took place in Japan on 1966 with prominent school setting, and 3) It heavily emphasizes on Jazz music and friendship. That's why, despite its "Josei" tag, Sakamichi no Apollon is suitable for both female and male readers, be it a sucker for romance like me, or merely a fan of Jazz.

Anata no Koto wa Sorehodo by Ikuemi Ryou

"A fortuneteller once told her, "Marry the second man you fall in love with." Medical clerk Miyoshi did just that. However, upon leaving a drinking party, she bumps into her first love, Arishima. Feelings reignite between the two, yet Arishima is married and Miyoshi already has an amicable husband."
If I was asked who my favorite Josei author is, the answer's gotta be Ikuemi Ryou. She knows well how to toy with the reader's emotion and moral standing regarding relationship, just like she did in this manga. This manga depicts relationship in a more complex scenario since the main theme is affair, which is not everyone's cup of tea.

Natsuyuki Rendezvous by Kawachi Haruka

"A young man with poor eyesight named Hazuki works part-time in a flower shop and falls hard for the shop-owner Rokka. But what happens when he discovers that residing in her apartment is the spirit of the man she can never forget?"
In the mood for some feel train? Read Natsuyuki Rendezvous. It is a riveting, heartwrenching love story about loving someone and letting go. The manga is also well drawn, I love how the manga draws flowers in detail.

Honey & Clover by Umino Chica

"Takemoto lives in a run-down student apartment, where his greatest worry is when he'll next be able to afford to eat meat and whether he'll get to class on time. Although he's away from home and living on his own, Takemoto is far from finished growing up. Along with his crazy cast of friends, Morita, Mayama, Yamada, and Hagumi, Takemoto sets out to discover life and his true self."
Yet another Josei manga with a male lead and was told from his perspective. Honey & Clover is refreshing, full of relatable and/or lovable characters, and will bring this nostalgic feelings from your college days.

Shouwa Genroku Rakugo Shinjuu by Kumota Haruko

"When a certain man is released from prison, he knows exactly where he's heading first. After falling in love with a traditional comic storyteller's rendition of the story called "Shinigami," he is determined to become his apprentice. The performer, Yakumo, has never taken an apprentice before, but to everyone's surprise, he accepts the eager ex-prisoner, nicknaming him "Yotaro." As Yotaro happily begins his new life, he meets others in Yakumo's life, including Yakumo's ward Konatsu. Konatsu was the daughter of a famous storyteller, and Yakumo took her in after her father's tragic death. Konatsu loved her father's storytelling, and would love to become a performer in her own right--but that path is not available for women."
Again, we steered a bit from the run-of-the-mill Josei manga. Shouwa Genroku basically revolves around Rakugo, or the art of Japanese traditional storytelling, with a bit of romance, drama, and tragedy. Compared to the rest, this manga is more elaborated in the 'career' side than the love story, but even non Japanese still can enjoy it (I didn't know "Rakugo" exists until this series, but I'm immersed in the story anyway).

14 Sai no Koi by Mizutani Fuka

"A story about two unusually mature young people. They are both smart, very together and they are in love. But, as grown-up as they act, they are still just 14 and their feelings for each other are captured with tenderness and lack of nostalgia, but very cutely."
Looking at the premise, one would easily mistake this manga for shoujo. But nope, it's actually a sugary sweet love story of some 14 years old kids, told in a rather mature way, sometimes even with sexual undertones. For example, one of the kids is secretly interested in girls, poking at the yuri genre. Other times it emphasizes heavily on the age gap trope. If you're into diabetic manga, well, here's your daily dose.


For now, that's all I recommend. If there's anything worthy to add, I will update it or make a new post. Some of the most popular titles like Chihayafuru, Nodame Cantabile, or Kuragehime, for example, don't make it to this list because I haven't read them yet and I prefer to give exposure to the less popular ones.

Well. Hope they can be a good companion in tackling your adulthood and slow days :-D

Cessi Talks About.. Marriage

Awal tahun 2017, volume undangan kawinan yang mampir luar biasa.

Terhitung sampai bulan Februari ini ada 6, dan semuanya orang yang bener-bener gue kenal, bahkan dua di antaranya adalah sahabat deket gue. Seiring meningkatnya kabar tentang kawinan temen yang mampir ke telinga, tingkat stress gue juga cukup meningkat. Apalagi kalau sampai mampir ke telinga nyokap, duh! Pertanyaan yang dihindari sejuta umat udah pasti keluar, nambah-nambahin tekanan sosial. Dan oh, kalo boleh jujur, gue sebenernya males sama yang namanya dateng ke kawinan. Kudu mikirin make baju apa, aksesoris apa, sepatu apa, make up gimana, rambut gimana. Udah tau gue wardrobe minimalis gini, nggak bisa make up pula. Yang bikin happy paling kalo ternyata kita bisa tampil cantik, ada bahan buat ngepost di Instagram, trus makanannya enak, trus bisa ketemu temen-temen deket yang emang obrolannya bukan basa basi.

..Dan gue baru ngomongin acara pernikahannya dari sudut pandang pengunjung. Belum kalo kita yang jadi mempelainya. Apalagi gue yang orang Jawa dengan keluarga konservatif ini pastilah bakal dituntut buat bikin pesta adat yang luar biasa rempong. Bayanginnya aja gue super males, asli. Kalo boleh sekadar nikah di KUA trus gelar pesta kecil-kecilan buat orang-orang terdekat, gue mau banget deh. Hemat uang juga, toh? Masalahnya, perkara acara pernikahan bukan cuma urusan kedua mempelai, tapi juga orang tua kedua belah pihak. Dan yang namanya orang tua.. You know lah.

And then, what comes after the wedding day? Oh, banyak. Banyak tanggung jawab. Makanya, buat gue, pernikahan salah satunya adalah ritual yang menandakan kalo lo. Udah. De. Wa. Sa. A full-fledged, functional adult and a member of society (gila ya, nulis postingan ginian aja gue udah merasa dewasa banget). Inilah kenapa gue nggak habis pikir sama orang-orang yang nikah muda karena kepengen aja, apalagi kalo cuma gara-gara tren (nggak tau sih beneran ada apa nggak). Buat gue pernikahan bukan cuma urusan ikat mengikat, sayang menyayang, halal menghalalkan. Yang namanya pernikahan kan ya, lo bikin satu keluarga baru. Ibaratnya lo dilepas ke laut naik kapal cuma berdua sama pasangan, dan kalian adalah nahkodanya. Lo nggak tau kondisi di laut itu kayak apa. Lo nggak tau apakah lo dan pasangan lo ternyata bisa menyetir kapal apa nggak. Lo nggak tau apakah lo dan pasangan lo akan tiba-tiba capek atau bosen di tengah jalan apa nggak, siapa tau ternyata pasangan lo lebih suka menyetir pesawat atau pengen balik ke darat. Belum lagi kalo lahir 'awak kapal', beban lo bertambah karena lo bertanggungjawab sepenuhnya akan hidup dan tumbuhnya awak-awak kapal lo ini.

Mungkin gue terlalu banyak mikir atau mengonsumsi pop culture barat, tapi gue akui, gue agak takut sama yang namanya menikah. Kalo gue membayangkan diri gue yang sekarang sebagai seorang istri, jujur aja, belom layak bos (yessir, I'm still working on it!). Masih banyak kekurangan gue. Ngurus hidup sendiri aja belom becus, gimana mau ngurus hidup suami (dan kemudian, anak)? 

Banyak yang perlu dipikirin matang-matang sebelum menikah, dan buat gue, deadline-nya mungkin sekitar 4 tahun lagi, bisa jadi lebih cepat malah, tergantung calon. So, in the meantime, gue harap gue bisa mengubah mindset gue soal ini. Dan tentunya.. Bisa jadi istri yang baik, karena gue nggak pengen menyusahkan suami dan keluarga. Dan juga, setelah menikah nanti, semoga pernikahan gue akan baik-baik saja sampai seterusnya.

Amin? Amin.

Makasih udah mau baca racauan cewek yang nggak bisa dewasa ini.